Kids Suck

Introduction

My sister was having a discussion with friends revolving around whether or not these friends should have kids or not. She thought she might be able to help them out by presenting an argument in favour. In order to be balanced she asked me to write an argument against.

Before we get into the dirt slinging though I would like to say that I do not hate kids. In fact I quite like kids, particularly babies. They are adorable and I love spending time with children. It is just important to me that they are other people's children.

In truth I will not be making an argument against having children. Have children or don't have children, frankly what do I care. What I do aim to do is let you know that it's alright not to have kids. Despite what those with kids may say it is quite likely that should you elect not to have them you are going to be just fine. Crying into your pillow at night about what an empty existence you have is not a likely outcome. In fact, not having kids, is pretty damn good.

There are many who have no problems with this decision one way or the other. My sister is one; she always knew she would. I am also one; I never had any serious intentions of having kids. Neither one of us are offering opinions while sitting on the fence. This is for you poor unfortunate souls who are not sure and are seriously stressed about it.

Why I didn't have kids

Everyone is different, so the various nuances about my decision are not applicable to you, however at the center of my reasoning is something that applies to many people. It is this: I never wanted kids. I do not intend that to sounds as flippant as it does. What I mean is that I never felt a true desire. It is fine to have doubts about what kind of parent you will be, or when the right time is, or can I afford it, or is this the person I want kids with, but at the root of it all you should have a desire. Without that the whole thing is an intellectual process, and without that emotional want, a decision has already been made. You can make an intellectual choice about what car to buy, but this is a human being. Unless you can get emotionally invested in the idea and find a nugget of desire, you should not have kids.

Never trust a parent

The following are a collection of gems you are bound to hear should you make the mistake of telling someone who is already a parent that you are debating having a child. Prior to having any serious discussion about the potential negatives of parenthood it is important to shed any nonsense the parental factions has heaped on your shoulders. I present three of the more common sentiments you will hear along with my opinion of why they are mostly bullshit.

I can't imagine my life without little Mark

This is one of the most annoying chestnuts a parent can throw out into the world. What about your daughter Sally? You know, the cute little blond haired cherub you never had; the imaginary child you didn't give birth to after little Mark. Can you imagine life without Sally? Of course not because the idea is ridiculous. People without kids are not wandering through life missing the kids they did not have anymore than parents feel the loss of the children that they chose not to have.

I'm sure little Mark is a perfect treasure, but he is a real person, and your attachment to him does not instigate an attachment in me to some ethereal non-existent kid. You can't imagine your life without Mark, well I can't imagine my life with little John, so we're even. Parents stop saying things like this. It makes me want to poke you with something sharp.

You would be such a good dad

I think the same thing when I hear this as I do when someone says: "Don't you think they make a nice couple?" How would I know. Maybe the only way he can get off is if she screams "Ya, you're the king baby!" each and every time. She thought it was cute at first, but frankly after a couple years it is wearing pretty thin, and she is seriously doubting his claim to the title anyway. My point is that it's sweet that people say things like that, but they don't know. Hell, I don't know if I'd be a good dad, so neither does anyone else.

Lets assume I would be a good dad though. So what. I'd make a good chef too. Anyone who has had dinner at my place would probably agree. I really like to cook, have a modicum of talent, and get a great deal of satisfaction when people enjoy what they are eating. So, I would make a really good chef, but that does not justify me devoting 12 hours a day to running a restaurant or going back to school. Having a child is not like trying out a new hobby, it's a major life choice. We don't devote our lives to everything we might be good at. Along with the ability to do something there must come a drive to do it, and in the case of child, do it full time to the exclusion of many other things.

What is the point of life without children

Most people do not put it quite that way, but that's what it boils down to. I am willing to believe my existence has no real point, but I don't think that is effected by my choice not to breed. I don't know if my life is rife with existential meaning, but I don't think I take a back seat to the average soccer mom by default. There are certainly those that believe the entire point of life is to produce children. Everyone has a right to an opinion. However, that one is stupid.

A few things to consider

So now you can feel a little more confident that, despite what you have heard from enthusiastic parents, you won't pine over non-existent kids, you are probably not squandering some god given talent as a parent, and your life is not likely to be any more or less pointless without kids. That arms you to defend yourselves from the soft sell you get from your friends who have kids and your parents who want grandkids.

If you are not getting much external pressure and you do have some desire to have kids, but still are sitting on the fence, here are a couple of things to put in the cons column.

Kids are expensive

Kids are seriously obscenely expensive. I am sure I could dig around and get some statistics on exactly how expensive, like what a kid will cost you over your life time, but it seems like overkill. Just do a little figuring the next time you are at a movie theatre and check out the family of four with all the snacks. Clothes they grow out of in a month, soccer cleats, diapers, pre-school, day care, tuition, birthdays, christmas, braces, summer camp, more clothes. Clearly it is going to add up.

In truth I think the money is the weakest argument of the bunch. Everything is a trade off in life. Again, however, just like the time commitment does not compare to a hobby, neither do the financial implications. They are significant, so it is something to to consider if that is a concern.

The number one thing that couples fight about? Money of course.

Your kids are probably not going to be anything like you

I bring this up as a bit of precautionary tale to those of you with romantic visions of parenthood. If your idea of raising a child centers around playing catch in the yard while casually delivering pearls of wisdom while your child hangs on every word you might want to hang around a few more kids before throwing away the birth control.

Anyone currently trying to convince themselves that the above paragraph does not apply to you might want to re-evaluate. I say this because I think deep down most parents think their children are going to be exactly like they are. I say this because so few people really consider adoption. Most people want a little piece of themselves and I think that is at least partly evidence that they think that is what they are going to get.

I think a lot of people have an idea that they simply will not make the same mistakes that their parents made and all will be well. This stems from the ingrained idea that your kids will be like you; that the things you considered mistakes in your childhood will also be the source of tension with your own children. Life is never that easy and this is no exception. The issues you have with your children will be entirely new to you. You will have no experience at all in the issues you face with your own children.

The truth is your kids will be their very own people from the start. In every likelihood there will be aspects of your children that you never quite understand because they view the world in an entirely different way.

Sex

National polls estimate that some 20 percent of married couples have sex less than 10 times per year. ((For many, no sex after parenthood - boston.com, March 13, 2005))

I tried to find some statistics on this but frankly Google searches involving all the terms that came to mind just gives you all sorts of crap you do not want to read about. Suffice it to say that people without kids have more sex than people with kids. I wish I had the energy to really dig up some good hard sources for that, but do we really need them. You know it is true.

Oh I know, you are going to have all sorts of parents attacking that idea as preposterous, and giving advise on how to keep the fire alive, but it's mostly bullshit. I'll tell you how you know. Ask the husband. Or get your boyfriend to ask. He'll get the real story, and let me tell you, it is rarely an enthusiastic one.

I am just saying, something to consider.

Empirical Evidence

The problem with this debate is there are few facts. Everyone has an opinion, but heavily biased by their own personal experience. People without children can not fully understand either the difficulties or the joys of raising a child. Parents are emotionally invested in their own children and so can not contemplate life without having taken that step. What we are missing is an informed opinion unclouded by emotion. It would be helpful to be able to ask parents a simple question: "If you could go back, would you do it again?" You can ask the question, but the answer is largely meaningless. Obviously parents love their children. It is impossible for them to detach themselves from this fact when contemplating the wisdom of their decision to have kids. So how would you find out?

Kids suck, and I can prove it

I have a simple experiment for you to perform that will generate some actual numbers that support my position that kids are not all they are cracked up to be. To reiterate, what we want to do is to get an idea of people's feelings about having children both before and after they actually have them. We want to compare apples to apples so it is important to get this information from the same individuals.

The solution is a poll consisting of two questions posed to parents:

1. How many children did you originally plan to have?
2. How many do you plan on having now?

You can ask the questions of any parent, but I would suggest that you would get better data from the under 40 crowd. Over 40 you may run into generational differences in the approach to the family, and the older you get the less likely you are to remember your original plans and intentions with clarity.

The answers to the questions give you some solid information because it compares the same persons opinion about having children both before they have any experience with the matter and after. The scoring system is simple. If the answer to both questions are the same the answer is neutral, but if the question two number is more than number one then that is a vote for children, less is obviously a vote against. Often you get a range like "Well we thought two or three", or you get a couple that has differing positions such as the husband wants three and the wife wants two. In such cases if they end up with the lower number it is a vote against, if the higher number it is a vote for.

The Proof

Let me tell you what you will find. Most people stick with their plan. They have the same number of children that they originally intended. However, you will also find quite a few couples that have adjusted their plans downward after having children. You will find no one that has bumped their number up, or at least significantly fewer than have reduced their numbers.

This is highly instructive. The same people were more enthusiastic about child rearing prior to actually having children. Of course I am sure they love their children and perhaps are very happy with parenthood. There are undoubtedly both pluses and minuses to having a child that are not foreseen before you actually go through the process. The results of our little poll are a good indication that, at least for some, the unexpected minuses outweigh the pluses.

Conclusions

As I indicated in the introduction, I do not really care if you have children or not. My goal here is not to convince people who want kids that it is a horrible idea. I do not think that is true. My goal was simply to provide an alternative to those who are not sure about the idea. Kids are great, but so is a childless existence.